these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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