you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
