u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
