he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
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I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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