; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
