it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
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