Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Randomize
