I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
