It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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