Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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