I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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