what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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