Your tits are I can't wait for
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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