I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
