He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
