i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
