There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
