I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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