The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
