Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
