i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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