Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
