So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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