I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
