Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
