Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
