if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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