i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Randomize
