This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
