just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
