you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
