im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
