Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
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I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
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I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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