Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Randomize
