Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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