Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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