ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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