The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
