I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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