she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
