life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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