So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
