apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I've blown a few things in my day
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Randomize
