Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
