So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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