It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
