Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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