I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
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Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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