I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
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All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
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How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
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