2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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