well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
