He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
This house was built for laser tag.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
