I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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