I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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